One step forward.. 2 steps back

I am cautious about filling my blog with negativity and complaining & unhelpful whinging. Which is why I haven't written for a while...
I will try to update with as little emotion as possible for your sake! (Whoever you are that is reading this). PS.. Pretty pleased with 1000 views :)

• Lovely AF decided to be a week late this month - this means that the Detailed Endometrial Internal Ultrasound that needs to be taken on CD 5-10 needed to be rescheduled -- did I mention that RPA only have one staff member who does this scan and she is only available on Mondays?? So rescheduling is an enormous pain in the butt. Every month that the process is set back is frustrating!! So, I decided to fork out the $400 & get the test done at a private hospital - which is happening on Tuesday. Fingers & toes crossed it clears me of endo & I am given the green light! Not feeling overly confident but there's one hurdle...
• I don't think I've mentioned that I also have Crohn's disease. Aren't I one lucky lady?? Crohns was diagnosed 6 years ago & I am currently in remission & feeling good. My last colonoscopy was clear & I've had no symptoms. My fertility specialist has insisted that I get a letter from my gastroenterologist confirming that I am healthy enough to undergo IVF. Well, looong story short - my tests came back with some anomalies & my gastro wants to do another colonoscopy!!!! Arg!! 

Ok ok I've become completely emotional & I apologise for the whinging. It's so important that I am as heathy as I can be before starting IVF. I need to be patient. I just keep coming back to self pity (why me? It's not fair. Wah wah) . The journey continues - I need to just take one step at a time. 

But in the meantime... Time for a nap.

AMY

Testing times

So the tests have begun! Before embarking on an IVF cycle, the specialist needs us both to have the updated tests & scans (as if they weren't evasive & painful enough the first time!). My biggest challenge has not been the 10 test tubes of blood sucked from me, but fitting it all in around work. I am managing - it gives me an indication of time management moving forward.

 I have booked in for a DIE ultrasound - which apparently gives a more detailed analysis of endometriosis. I think this is a relatively new technology & if this could be the way forward for indentifying endo (eliminating evasive surgery) it sounds like a great way forward. I couldn't get in for this test until the end of September. I don't think there are many places that conduct this test, and at my hospital there was only one physician who conducts this particular scan. So I will continue to be patient. If things work out I might be pregnant by Christmas! How's that for optimism??? 😁

So much to lose, so much to gain

So, my doctor has told me to lose weight - to allow for the best chance going in to IVF. 

I admit, I have put a lot of weight on over the last year or so. I've always been pretty fit - playing team sport & eating relatively healthily. But at the start of the year I got a new job - I have been busy with work & haven't really exercised in six months... I guess time slips away & you get into a bad routine... and suddenly I'm enormous! Well, maybe not enormous - but being told by a health professional to trim down is certainly sobering . Boo. Losing weight is so much effort.

A few weeks ago I joined the gym. It's such a trek starting from scratch with zero fitness - I keep trying to do what I used to be able to & then can't walk up stairs for a week! I guess I need to keep my baby goal as motivation. Wish me luck. Now to cut the cake. No, I mean cut OUT the cake... 😥

The last key

Another big appointment tomorrow - this time with the IVF specialist I am hoping to use. Completely nervous & excited. I just read a great analogy -

So true literally! Let's hope it's the case for us too x

Start again

This morning I saw a new obgyn/ fertility specialist. I was quite anxious because its been about 12 months since my 'hiatus' from the process. After finding a car park & wrangling an officious secretary, I was in quite quickly. We started from the beginning & I told her my history - I couldn't help but feel like I had turned back time 2 years & was starting again at square 1. As expected, D & I will need to re-test & I need an u/s. She suggest instead of another lap surgery (which I've been dreading), she suppresses the endo with hormones for 3 months before IVF. Then, if unsuccessful, we do another lap. I haven't processed this/ decided anything yet.
However, surprisingly, she  suggest we see the bulk billing centre (who we have an appointment with next week) about IVF. She said that going through her was very expensive & (with my history) it may take several rounds of IVF. One positive - she emphasised that 29 is very young & I should not give up hope.
I feel really flat - exhausted - & don't know if I can do all this again. I can't believe this is what it has come to. I gave my niece Ruby lots of extra cuddles today.
I'll keep you posted x

Where is God?

I am a Christian & believe in a God who loves me & is with me every step. I believe I was created in His image & that God has a plan & purpose for my life.
It has been so hard reconciling this loving God with my pain & disappointment. A God who is just & fair with the seemingly senseless distribution of babies to parents who cannot or will not care for them. A God who refers to children in the bible as a reward, a comfort, a blessing - yet who chooses not to "bless" me??
I have heard many perspectives on God & infertility- that I need to have stronger faith - ask & believe & then you will receive; I've heard infertility referred to as punishment for past sins; a chance to grow & learn; He is waiting for the right time; you're not with the right partner; God will use the opportunity to support others; God won't give you a child until you are ready.
I have come to the belief that there is no right answer & the only way for me to be at peace in my relationship with God through this process is to just trust that he is there with me through it no matter what & trust the plan & purpose, whatever that may be. So much easier said than done, I know! And it has taken me so long to get to this place. It has made me realise my weakness, my vulnerability & complete reliance on Jesus.

Timing & the two week wait

For those who aren't in this boat, timing sex is about as romantic as it sounds. In the past I've used ovulation kits and/or monitored body temp/ cervical mucous (sexy, hey??) leading up to CD 14..ish. Nothing says I love you like a clinical appointment in the bedroom! Honey, I need your sperm! Now!
So once the "abstraction" has taken place - we wait. I swear I have experienced every symptom recognised as a sure sign of a positive result. I can laugh at myself now, but I have (often) googled something along the lines of "runny nose-early pregnancy symptom" - and sure enough - there is a forum with someone asking exactly the same thing & someone somewhere thinking they are doing the poor girl a favour by responding - "Yes! This was my first symptom & I got a positive test the next week! Sounds promising to me!!!" (Baby dust to you, or some similar sign off)
It's unreal when you look from afar - I mean, HUNDREDS of hopeful women every day wanting confirmation from a stranger that their vegemite craving/cold big toe/headache must mean they are pregnant.
I envy those women who, 6 weeks along go - oh, hang on a minute! I haven't had a period for a while! Might check that one out! Month after month I try to wait - and I am testing much less frequently (at least waiting for a late period before peeing on a stick). But that hope still bubbles up there, and I wonder - I think maybe, just maybe, this month will be my miracle.
On that note - let the 2WW begin (can't believe I'm so entrenched in discussing such things that I know the acronyms) - I will continue to ttc and hope for BFP and no AF before poas and driving DH crazy!
Thanks for the read :)