Touched by Grace

I thought I would write one last post. So much to share -- but probably not appropriate in a blog designed to discuss infertility. On October 28th I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl - Grace Vivienne. She is now 3 months old and brings me more joy than I ever imagined. 

Thank you for following my journey. I hope if you are reading this and struggling I can give you hope. Never give up. And know how very worth it all of this pain is. All the very best.

Implacably Infertile: Update: I kicked infertility's butt

Implacably Infertile: Update: I kicked infertility's butt: Ok, It has been so very long since I've been on here. I changed my privacy settings, because, as much as I was happy to expose my pain...

The first weeks

So, that leaves me here. 5 1/2 weeks in. I told everyone who knew I'd been doing IVF - as they were wondering and asking. And I really feel like, for those who have been there with me through it all, this is their success and joy too. After 3 1/2 years of tests and needles and procedures and appointments, pain and disappointment, here we are. I know it's early days, but I am completely optimistic that the next 7 weeks will fly by without incident, as will the next 8 months.
I've been sick - just waves of nausea off and on (mostly on) and am a new level of tired I didn't think existed. I seriously think I could sleep 20 hours a day and still be ready for a nap!
My first symptoms were stabbing pains in my boobs and nausea. And weird cravings for salt and vinegar chips and vegemite! The problem is that many of the IVF symptoms are the same as early pregnancy symptoms. And I purposely didn't take a home preg test - because the progesterone can mess with the result. So those two weeks were tough - and hearing the result incredibly emotional.
I still can't believe it and thank God every time I feel like vomiting on my students in class.
Part of me had had to resolve myself to the fact that it might never happen.
This is a miracle.
But I will never forget the struggle.

Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome

Pray you don't get this. Very very uncomfortable.
Following the Ovidrel trigger shot, and egg collection, I got so bloated I thought my stomach would burst through my skin. I looked pregnant (cruel!). I had trouble eating or drinking, as I was constantly full of fluid. They say to drink lots and lots of water to wash the hormones out, but that proved difficult.
The worst part was that it was pushing on my lungs. At night I felt like I was drowning. It's not that there was fluid on my lungs - but my stomach was pushing against them, making breathing shallow, and making me cough. So, I had to sleep sitting up. I didn't sleep much. One night I got husband to take me to ER as I was sure I was suffocating. I wasn't. There was nothing but time, and drinking water that could help.
And, sure enough, after about a week it went away.
I don't think there's any way to avoid this, but it can be dangerous - especially if you start throwing up and can't keep fluid down. Make sure to get it checked, just to be sure.
The day I woke up breathing freely, I cried with relief.
Not fun.

IVF drugs - the devil

I took a number of drugs over my IVF process - most of them, I believe, are pretty standard.

I thought I would take the time to explain each drug's purpose and my reaction to each - I hear some women cruise through. I'm not one of those women (such surprise).

Provera - This is the first tablet I was required to take. It regulates the period so that you can work in with the fs timeline. Some clinics don't require this. The first time I took it my period wouldn't come, the second time it came really early. I think the latter is better. Symptoms were really bad nausea.

Synarel - The synarel spray is sprayed up the nose twice daily. Yuck. Tastes foul and makes the nose all inflamed and irritated. I had massive headaches with synarel. That was the worst side effect. Also some nausea, but that could also have been the provera. This is to stop you from ovulating. You don't want to ovulate before they have a change to get to your eggs! (crazy the way they manipulate your body's cycle, hey?)

Gonal F - The dreaded injection. This is where I went wrong the first time - taking the wrong dose. I can assure you, though, that I was pretty careful every time thereafter! I had my husband give me the needle - I just couldn't stomach (pun intended) putting something sharp into my skin. I think it was good to get him involved also - I think he got some satisfaction out of being involved (let's face it - the male gets off pretty easy in the whole process!). During these injections I got so bloated. Your ovaries blow up to the size of oranges, filled with eggs. The nausea, sore boobs and exhaustion continued. Seriously, the side effects of IVF meds are the same as early pregnancy, which is kinda cruel really. It's the increase in hormones flooding through your body.

Ovidrel - The trigger. This does what it says - triggers ovulation. It is enormous & hurt! I used ice AFTER the needle, but would recommend icing the area first. I got mega bloated - my whole torso was blown up like a balloon - for a week following (I have OHSS - I'll explain in another post). 

Crinone - progesterone pessaries. These are used following transfer to help you get pregnant & stay that way. Obvs not the most comfortable, enjoyable experience, but no drama for me.

The day I used my last pessary I felt a wave of relief - no more meds for now. 

All worth it, of course. But makes you wonder why we are the ones put through this, when it comes so easily for others. I honestly don't know if I could do it again.

Update: I kicked infertility's butt

Ok,
It has been so very long since I've been on here.
I changed my privacy settings, because, as much as I was happy to expose my pain to friends & family - in the hopes of helping someone - things got crazy and things got personal.

I started IVF in December. It was way earlier than I had planned, so felt a little rushed. Completely exciting and overwhelming. I remember driving home from the pharmacy with my enormous bag of drugs in disbelief. This was it.
But it wasn't actually.
I overdosed on gonal f - can you believe it? I accidentally gave myself a massive rush of hormones beyond what was helpful to the growing eggs in my belly. So, they request I cancel the cycle. Gut wrenching, but in retrospect, timing was probably just not right. Or I'm an idiot. Either way, I don't really count it as an attempt, as we didn't get far. Still devastating.

We started our next cycle, the one that continued to conclusion. Oh, so much detail & advice to give about this process - if you haven't been through it, it is inconceivable how difficult IVF can be. I will write some more specific posts following this one.
I was able to do most of the process during school holidays, which meant I could be sick from the meds, and get to appointments easily. I ended up with 15 eggs retrieved, 7 embryos, which reduced to 4 - one implanted and 3 in the freezer!!

At this point I was in complete disbelief - I think infertility convinces you that your body is incapable of responding in the way that normal female fertile bodies do.

Loooong story short, it worked. It actually bloody worked. Complete shock & elation, overflowing joy & hope. I am just 5 weeks now - so so early. But I still can't believe it. I wish I could visit each woman who is currently crying in the bathroom at another period, and tell them if it can happen for me, it can happen for them.

It is possible.
Anything is possible.

It's all happening!!

After six weeks on thyroxine, it was time to see if my hypothyroidism was resolved enough to start IVF.

I called about my blood tests. They couldn’t find my results – I had to chase them up with the pathology – they wouldn’t cooperate – end result = me in tears on the line to a number of difficult women.

After calling every moment I had a break at work, I finally got through to them again after work. The nurse said that not only was my thyroid great, but that I could start the IVF process that day! I was in shock & amazement – I think I had been waiting for another disappointment. Even if it was cleared – I was starting IVF at least two months earlier than planned.

So the last two weeks have gone so quickly & I can hardly believe I will start injections on Friday.

I took Provera for a week (to raise my progesterone). The first few days I had a terrible headache, was dizzy and nauseous but that seemed to even out quickly.

I then started Synarel nose spray (to prevent me from ovulating). Yuck! Not fun, at all. Tastes gross but I haven’t had too many symptoms. I still feel tired and headachy. I’m trying to give up coffee at the same time, which can’t be helping! So stick with me, and I will try to write more regularly about the upcoming weeks. Lots of prayers & hope hope hope!