Testing times

So the tests have begun! Before embarking on an IVF cycle, the specialist needs us both to have the updated tests & scans (as if they weren't evasive & painful enough the first time!). My biggest challenge has not been the 10 test tubes of blood sucked from me, but fitting it all in around work. I am managing - it gives me an indication of time management moving forward.

 I have booked in for a DIE ultrasound - which apparently gives a more detailed analysis of endometriosis. I think this is a relatively new technology & if this could be the way forward for indentifying endo (eliminating evasive surgery) it sounds like a great way forward. I couldn't get in for this test until the end of September. I don't think there are many places that conduct this test, and at my hospital there was only one physician who conducts this particular scan. So I will continue to be patient. If things work out I might be pregnant by Christmas! How's that for optimism??? 😁

So much to lose, so much to gain

So, my doctor has told me to lose weight - to allow for the best chance going in to IVF. 

I admit, I have put a lot of weight on over the last year or so. I've always been pretty fit - playing team sport & eating relatively healthily. But at the start of the year I got a new job - I have been busy with work & haven't really exercised in six months... I guess time slips away & you get into a bad routine... and suddenly I'm enormous! Well, maybe not enormous - but being told by a health professional to trim down is certainly sobering . Boo. Losing weight is so much effort.

A few weeks ago I joined the gym. It's such a trek starting from scratch with zero fitness - I keep trying to do what I used to be able to & then can't walk up stairs for a week! I guess I need to keep my baby goal as motivation. Wish me luck. Now to cut the cake. No, I mean cut OUT the cake... 😥

The last key

Another big appointment tomorrow - this time with the IVF specialist I am hoping to use. Completely nervous & excited. I just read a great analogy -

So true literally! Let's hope it's the case for us too x

Start again

This morning I saw a new obgyn/ fertility specialist. I was quite anxious because its been about 12 months since my 'hiatus' from the process. After finding a car park & wrangling an officious secretary, I was in quite quickly. We started from the beginning & I told her my history - I couldn't help but feel like I had turned back time 2 years & was starting again at square 1. As expected, D & I will need to re-test & I need an u/s. She suggest instead of another lap surgery (which I've been dreading), she suppresses the endo with hormones for 3 months before IVF. Then, if unsuccessful, we do another lap. I haven't processed this/ decided anything yet.
However, surprisingly, she  suggest we see the bulk billing centre (who we have an appointment with next week) about IVF. She said that going through her was very expensive & (with my history) it may take several rounds of IVF. One positive - she emphasised that 29 is very young & I should not give up hope.
I feel really flat - exhausted - & don't know if I can do all this again. I can't believe this is what it has come to. I gave my niece Ruby lots of extra cuddles today.
I'll keep you posted x

Where is God?

I am a Christian & believe in a God who loves me & is with me every step. I believe I was created in His image & that God has a plan & purpose for my life.
It has been so hard reconciling this loving God with my pain & disappointment. A God who is just & fair with the seemingly senseless distribution of babies to parents who cannot or will not care for them. A God who refers to children in the bible as a reward, a comfort, a blessing - yet who chooses not to "bless" me??
I have heard many perspectives on God & infertility- that I need to have stronger faith - ask & believe & then you will receive; I've heard infertility referred to as punishment for past sins; a chance to grow & learn; He is waiting for the right time; you're not with the right partner; God will use the opportunity to support others; God won't give you a child until you are ready.
I have come to the belief that there is no right answer & the only way for me to be at peace in my relationship with God through this process is to just trust that he is there with me through it no matter what & trust the plan & purpose, whatever that may be. So much easier said than done, I know! And it has taken me so long to get to this place. It has made me realise my weakness, my vulnerability & complete reliance on Jesus.

Timing & the two week wait

For those who aren't in this boat, timing sex is about as romantic as it sounds. In the past I've used ovulation kits and/or monitored body temp/ cervical mucous (sexy, hey??) leading up to CD 14..ish. Nothing says I love you like a clinical appointment in the bedroom! Honey, I need your sperm! Now!
So once the "abstraction" has taken place - we wait. I swear I have experienced every symptom recognised as a sure sign of a positive result. I can laugh at myself now, but I have (often) googled something along the lines of "runny nose-early pregnancy symptom" - and sure enough - there is a forum with someone asking exactly the same thing & someone somewhere thinking they are doing the poor girl a favour by responding - "Yes! This was my first symptom & I got a positive test the next week! Sounds promising to me!!!" (Baby dust to you, or some similar sign off)
It's unreal when you look from afar - I mean, HUNDREDS of hopeful women every day wanting confirmation from a stranger that their vegemite craving/cold big toe/headache must mean they are pregnant.
I envy those women who, 6 weeks along go - oh, hang on a minute! I haven't had a period for a while! Might check that one out! Month after month I try to wait - and I am testing much less frequently (at least waiting for a late period before peeing on a stick). But that hope still bubbles up there, and I wonder - I think maybe, just maybe, this month will be my miracle.
On that note - let the 2WW begin (can't believe I'm so entrenched in discussing such things that I know the acronyms) - I will continue to ttc and hope for BFP and no AF before poas and driving DH crazy!
Thanks for the read :)

The no-baby blues

Studies have shown that women with infertility feel as anxious or depressed as those diagnosed with cancer, hypertension, or recovering from a heart attack. Women going through this struggle may experience the emotional and psychological effects of someone with a life threatening disorder! Can you believe that?!
I certainly do. The physical effects can be painful, uncomfortable and humiliating. Financially - draining: I have spent thousands on specialist appointments, procedures and treatment. Personally - loss of friends, strains on relationships, changes socially. Professionally - struggling to stay focused, needing to take time off. Emotionally - feeling inadequate somehow, incapable, and weak. Mentally - the determination to keep going, hampered by exhaustion and doubt. 
Yes, the black dog comes to visit. Often. 
The Black Dog Institute has this wonderful picture book - depicting depression as an enormous dog that follows you around - overshadowing you, holding you back. My favourite image, and one I can certainly relate to is this:(www,blackdoginstitute.org.au)

                                 

If you are struggling emotionally & psychologically as a result of your infertility, you are not alone! The Harvard Medical School found in a study that up to 54% of infertile women suffer from depression. It states that the stress of the non-fulfilment of a wish for a child has been associated with "anger, depression, anxiety, marital problems, sexual dysfunction, and social isolation." 

One piece of advice I would like to leave with is the way my mindset has changed & my outlook has improved since seeing a good psychologist. The study I mentioned above found cognitive behavioural therapy, and/or support groups to be the best treatment. If you can relate to the image above, struggling to sleep because of the thoughts - the obsession - of infertility, try mindfulness. There's a free app called 'Headspace' that I listen to at night that takes you through a 10 minute meditation session, helping you to "smile more and sleep better" - www.headspace.com.

When everyone else is pregnant

The common emotion across infertility forums, blogs and articles is one of bitter, self-entitled spite. An outsider could easily make judgement - but as one who has felt the pain and anger at the injustice of infertility, I get it!
When I first started trying to fall pregnant I spoke to friends (at least 5 I can think of right now) who weren't even thinking about having a baby. It was the furthest thing from their minds. Those friends have celebrated the first birthday of their babies in the last few months. So, no, it is not fair. Yes, it is my turn. What can I do about it? Absolutely nothing! I think it's the helpless lack of control that is the most infuriating.
My sister started trying for her second child a year after I did. She said she wanted it to happen for me first, and was scared to tell me when she found out she was pregnant. On the phone I was overjoyed for her - and that wasn't a ruse - I love being an Aunty (and Ruby is gorgeous by the way). But as soon as I got off the phone I sobbed on the kitchen floor. "It was my turn!" I told Dom. "You're next" he said.
So, I went to, literally, dozens of baby showers, bought gifts, empathised with morning sickness, back ache- followed by sleepless nights, teething etc. Don't get me wrong, most friends were great, if not awkwardly reserved. I can't explain why these people getting pregnant affects those who are struggling to - I know that my friend getting pregnant is not her actually pushing in on some waiting line. I know it's not a logical reaction. I think it just comes down to the question we all ask ourselves-
Why?
Why her and not me?
I had a young teenage student fall pregnant accidentally - difficult to see God's plan when it makes no sense.
I have learned a lot since that first year of disappointment. I know when to distance myself, what to say to those around me, and how to try to trust that God is in control. There will be pregnant women. Everywhere. There will be prams and cute kids on swings and Facebook updates and pregnancy announcements daily. It's learning to live with it that is so hard, but so important.


I read a really great post on this - so very true:
https://yetanotherbitterinfertile.wordpress.com/2013/05/16/tired-of-being-sensitive-to-my-infertile-
friend/

My story: endometriosis & other curse words

My husband and I were married in 2009. At the end of 2012, we travelled to UK & Europe for a holiday - a lifelong dream for me. So I inhaled the sights, smells & buttery tastes of Paris & Dom saw his precious Manchester United (precious may not be his word to describe the team). I clearly remember our return flight dialogue, which resulted in a commitment to start trying for a baby. It was the right time/ the next logical step in our lives/ a gentle tug at my heart. I started to plan for nine months time. I bought magazines and books, planned nursery decor, joined forums, researched maternity leave options, family cars, prams, cots, cute itsy bitsy outfits, names. This became an obsession - an excitement I couldn't keep from family & friends.
In retrospect, perhaps I was a little prematurely eager?
My sister and cousin had both been diagnosed with endometriosis, and after six months of trying without results, and increasingly painful & debilitating periods, I knew that I had it too. One year from that plane trip, I went in for a laparoscopy.
Meanwhile, friends appeared to be drinking from some secret source unavailable to me, and were falling pregnant by the dozens. It's hard to explain why that hurts so much - how incredibly selfish am I? I mean, others having babies does not change my ability or inability to!
Every month included monitoring of temps, cm and every symptom - hope, followed by gut wrenching disappointment. After being tested (prodded, poked, scanned) by my obgyn & Genea fertility specialist (and hundreds of dollars), it was found that there was no identifyable reason for the infertility apart from endometriosis. So, I had the procedure, with the perky optimism of an obgyn who said the months following my laparoscopy would be my best hope of falling pregnant. Obviously, this did not happen. In the following year I continued to religiously monitor my cycles and the obgyn put me on clomid for a period of time. It appeared in one of my tests that I wasn't always ovulating, but this may have been an error, as all blood tests following showed consistent ovulation. Clomid made me very sick - hot flushes, nausea, vomiting, fainting - lots of fun when trying to hold down a full time job. After more and more failure I was referred to IVF through Genea and we were told we would need $12,000 upfront to take a 50% chance of becoming pregnant. Certainly worth it - if we had that sort of disposable savings. There was still hope.
It is now 2 1/2 years since that airplane trip from London to Sydney. 31 months of disappointment. In the next few weeks we are meeting with obstetricians and fertility specialists in the hope that we will start IVF soon. HOPE is the word that I have found keeps coming up as I write this very difficult recount. Without hope, what is there? God says in Hosea 2.15 that he will "transform the valley of trouble into a gateway of hope".

Infertility is not a "journey" - it's a broken down bus

I hate when people call the process of infertility a journey. 

Infertility. Barrenness. Inability to have a baby - is a muddy, stagnant hole of pain and disappointment. There is no movement, as in a journey, but as I titled this post, there is the exact opposite - infertility is an anti-journey. You have forgotten what momentum feels like. At times you have the illusion of forward steps, acceleration even, but "life's illusions I recall" is all it is. A mirage. 

After two and a half years of infertility (tests, scans, surgery, pills, needles, therapy & disappointment) I have decided to share some of my wisdom. From the bus broken down on the side of the road. Flat tyres. Absent driver. Bung engine. I cannot give you the magical potion promised to vulnerable infertiles everywhere we look - I don't have it! If I did I would have a child. But I can share my experience & hope that you, my fellow passengers, feel comfort from company.